“So many bones in a curving stack” said Phamus (pronounced Famous), filtering out another femur from the mayonnaise. “Stacking mayonnaise isn’t like playing Jenga- you have to put your head to the ground, lick your lips and start slurping” said Pledgums, diving face first into another mayonnaise mound. He pooched his like a young boy who’s forced to kiss his great auntie, and inhales a greasy slurp. “I don’t care if it’s boring, it’s just pointless. At least when I play Jenga with my friends we’re making a difference” said Phamus, scooping another knee cap out of a nearby mayonnaise patch. She had been slurping this particular patch for nearly seven months. Her toenails were long and infected, she smelled like double cheeseburgers, and her mayonnaise pimples had become pits of despair. She was a miserable wreck, and she knew it. On Wednesdays when she was particularly bored she would roll around and make mayonnaise angels, just to punish herself.
Thankfully today was Thursday, but Pledgums could see the fading outline of yesterday’s mayo angel plaguing the stack. “You speak of making a difference in this world, of having a sense of significance. You’re seeking those warm fuzzies that can only come when you cure cancer or defeat a Democrat” droned Pledgums. Phamus had not the slightest clue where he was going with his rant, but she listened on: “Let me tell you a story my pappy told me when I was just a boy of 2. The tradition of stacking mayonnaise dates back all the way to your greatest great grand uncle Pheusbahl. Now, old cranky Pheusbahl didn’t know a whole lot, but during his travels across the Dakota plains he treated himself to more than his fair share of sammiches. You remember great grandy uncle Pheusbahl’s sammiches dontcha Phamy?” said Pledgums, a crack lingering in his voice, eyes misty and moisty.
Phamus remembered them all right- they tasted like wet wipes topped with an inch of mayonnaise and weird cheese. One of Pheusbahl’s favorite activities was to finish his sammich while watching Peter Pan and then kiss Phamus on the forehead with his greasy mayo lips. “My name is Phamus not Phamy dad, cuz one day I’m gunna make something of myself, just like Pheusbahl” exasperated Phamus. “Your doggone right he made something of himself “said Pledgums, continuing his endless story. “He knew that sammiches had ketchups and other various teriyakis to spice them up, but he wanted more. He had a vision of a magical sammich cream that would sweep the world. He wandered far and wide, making his way deep into middle Florida, home of everything awful. Despairing of all hope he screamed out to the midnight gargoyles, “WHERE DO I FIND MY MAGICAL SAMMICH CREAM?!”
"A nearby gargoyle named Kyle heeded the call and said “Right this way master- your cream awaits.” Pheuesbahl was hesitant but hyped. He followed closely behind the grisly ghoulish gargoyle through a small tunnel beneath Mickey Mouse Marsh. He followed for what seemed like minutes until the tunnel opened into a vast cavern as far as the eye can see, full of bones. It was the legendary Disneyworld Skullyard, the magical cavern where all Disney creatures go to pass away after they’ve served their faithful time with Walt. He began walking into the cavern and stepped onto a bone. The hip bone snapped, and out oozed a thick white cream. “Kyle, what is the meaning of this?” Pheuesbahl blurted to the gargoyle, but he was already gone with the wind. Knowing his time had come, Pheuesbahl grabbed a moldy sammich from his back pocket, slurped up two cheekfulls of cream, and sputtered it onto his which and took a bite. “DELECTABLE! Great grapes, I’ve really done it! I will call it mayonnaise, and the world will know!” screamed your greatest grand uncle. In hindsight, it only made sense that the greatest and most magical cream known to mankind would burst forth from the bones of the most magical Disneys. Pheuesbahl began slurping and creating curving mayonnaise stacks that very day and carried each greasy stack to the surface, where Walt Disney himself would take each stack and distribute to the world. So you see, Phamus- without us, there would be no mayonnaise” Pledgums finally finished, taking in another proud mayo slurp from Bambi’s ribcage.
Phamus hated the story more and more every time she heard it (this was the second time today, which seriously hampered stack production). The biggest reason she hated it was because while she and Pledgums danced around in the sludge busting their buttums, Walt Disney was out selling all of our mayonnaise. Walt got all the credit and we only get 2% of the profit, which is enough for a cheese sammich here and there. But something happened to Phamus this time she heard the story- as she listened and thought about her own life and journey thus far, she FOUND herself. “The blood of Pheuesbahl runs in MY veins too!” she thought to herself.
A dangerous thought began creeping in. She finally built up her courage and screamed “I’M DONE being your mayonnaise slave! I’m gunna go explore the world and discover a new way of bringing mayonnaise to the world!” cried Phamus hysterically, readying herself to run. “You can’t escape. I won’t let you, and neither will they” said Pledgums, hitting some button on his chest. Within seconds Dumbo, Mushu, and the entire cast of The Jungle Book starting jumping on top of each other, blocking the tunnel entrance. Phamus frantically looked around for another way out as Pledgums approached her with a Samurai sword. Her eyes found the center of the cavern- a bubbling pool of Chunky mayonnaise. Without thinking twice, she sprinted to the pool and swan dove in. Pledgums kept chase and grabbed at her foot as she dove. Hope was quickly slipping as she felt herself being dragged to the surface. As a last ditch effort, Phamus tapped into the only skill she’s ever known- slurping. She slurped and slurped harder than she ever had. She gave one final slurp and jerked her leg hard. The force of the slurp and the greasiness of the mayonnaise forced him to let go. She was free to fly, free to slurp.
Down she slurped into deeper darkness, until she finally saw some light. She crashed through the threshold and fell to the ground hard, bruising her biscuits. Phamus took a deep breath and took in her surroundings; very colorful and bright. She saw a few bunnies hopping nearby, children laughing, Aladdin choking. This was Disneyworld, she realized. Every day of her life she worked her nubs off to bankroll this monstrosity. “Excuse me, where can I find Walt Disney?” Phamus asked a nearby white lady. The enormous woman took a bite of her Queen Elsa corndog and answered with a mouthful of mustard, “Walt Disney? He’s dead as dew honey boo!” she said as she devoured the ice queen and blubbered away. Dead??? What could this mean!!!? What was happening to all of our mayonnaise??? Her head was swimming, but no sooner had her world been turned upside down when she walked around the corner and saw Disneyworld’s newest attraction- ‘Mayonnaise Mountain’. It’s just like ‘Splash Mountain’ except the boat does a 60 foot drop into a lake of mayonnaise and it splashes all over the little babies and their respective dads. People ate it up. There was a bridge on the edge of the lake where people could stand and get creamed by the mayonnaise, and people would hold up their hot dogs and hoagies trying to glean a glob.
Of all the thought’s racing through Phamus head, her primary thought was that since the death of Disney, the rest of the world has been living their lives without the blessed Cream. Phamus realized that this was her purpose- she would rediscover mayonnaise somewhere else. With newfound resolve, she stole a golf cart and booked it out of Disneyworld like a banshee. She didn’t even know where to start. How else was a person supposed to make mayonnaise without stumbling upon a gargoyle in a magical Disney skullyard? She explored many different places- porta potties, attics, arcades, Belk, GameStop, gym class, and she even explored the basement of The Disney Store at 'SuckWith Mall' for good measure. She drove her golf cart along highway 2,000 until it ran out of gas.
It stopped next to a place called Kroger. Might as well try, she thought. It was very late at night with no human in sight and no way inside, but being an expert slurper Phamus easily made it inside the premises. As she walked inside Kroger, she knew she had found something magical that no human had ever discovered before. She found all manner of porks and chips, steaks and apples. She wandered the aisles in amazement at this undiscovered treasure trove- her very own magical cavern. Walking down one aisle her eye caught something strangely familiar, and her heart stopped a beat. Right in front of her pimply face were dozens and dozens of jars of white cream- one said “Miracle Whip”, another said “Kraft Mayo” and another said “Duke’s Mayonnaise.” Phamus had done it- she discovered a new way of bringing mayonnaise to the world! She freaked and flipped, eager to reintroduce mayonnaise to the world. She grabbed as many mayo jars as she could and ran out the mystical Kroger cave, sprinting into the middle of the street. Her lungs burned, her spleen shivered- all she wanted to do was tell the world. She ran a few yellow lines worth until a car zoomed by and was forced to stop at the sight of the champion. “What in the name of Sam Heck are you doing little girl?” gurgled the smelly man. “I need to tell the world that mayonnaise is back- it’s right here in Kroger! Disneyworld can’t keep it from you forever!!! Tell me, how might a lassie such as I go about telling the world?” asked Phamus. The man looked so scared. “Wull… I suppose I could bring you down to the TV station, you could tell the world there” said Sam Heck.
Samuel Heck junior drove Phamus down to the TV station. Phamus busted through the doors and demanded to speak to the world. Phorrenzix, an attractive redhead black asian native american woman stopped Phamus in her tracks. “You can’t just get on TV whenever you want to” said Phorrenzix sharply. “YES I CAN! WE’RE GUNNA BE ON TV, aren’t we Sammy?? WE’RE GUNNA BE ON TV!!! And if you don’t put us on, we’ll blow up Disneyworld and no one gets any mayonnaise!” shrieked Phamus, chucking a jar of Light Miracle whip at the camera boy nearby. Phorenzix had no choice- soon the headline was playing across all CNN’s- ‘Local girl rediscovers mayonnaise’. Phamus had made a difference. While the world was very happy for Phamus, they were mostly just very confused. After the segment was shot the TV station crew, still very perplexed as to why she was so excited about getting some mayonnaise from Kroger, told Phamus they would reward her for helping the good sammiches of the world by giving her a job at Kroger as the Mayonnaise Priestess. Now the world knows about mayonnaise. Have you ever had it? It's great. The next time you go to Kroger, stop in the mayonnaise aisle and you may get a peak at the high Mayonnaise Priestess Phamus. THE ENDS!