The Raleigh River Goats

             Edgar the South Raleigh Slugger stepped up to the plate.  The Raleigh River Goats were down 2 – 4 against the Fuquay Lawn Mowers, and hope was slipping away.  The bases were loaded and Edgar was the worst slugger since Michael Jordan.  Jaundis the Pitcher who worked mornings at the Fuquay Walmart signaled to his catcher Gordon von Bojangles that he was going to throw a left handed warble.  The ball warbled towards Edgar and CRACK went the bat, sending the the ball soaring.  'The Goat Bed', the Raleigh River Goats fan section, went bonkers- all the analysts knew this one would fly out of the park.  It whistled higher and higher, but something happened no one foresaw....

             “The ball is flying higher and higher and, wait a second people, oh my GOODNESS... In an unbelievable turn of events, the referee has caught the ball... and that will do it! The ref has caught the ball and the game is OVER folks!” screamed ESPN analyst Mark Hamill.  It was true- while the other umps were curious as to why there was even a ref on their field, the ref had indeed caught the ball- the game was over.  The crowd was stunned, but they had no choice but to file out of the stadium.  Who won the game that day?  Who knows! It's actually impossible to know.  The Raleigh River Goats hung up their caps that evening and never again played a game of baseball as long as they lived.

Have you Ever Had a Bagel???

This is a skit written by JD Loftis and Brett Alan Colyer- it  chronicles the journey of a man who must make his peace with THE most important question of our generation...

Bagel Claim Worker: Hello sir, how may I serve you? 
Dr. Panargles: Ummm yes sir, I’ve seemed to have lost my bagel.
Bagel Claim Worker: Well sir this is bagel claim so you’re in good hands. Tell me, what flight did you majestically soar through the air on?
Dr. Panargles: Cinnamon Crunch flight 325 on a direct route to Honey Walnut Cream Cheese. 
Bagel Claim Worker: Okie Donkey! Let me check our Cinnamon Crunch flight directory. Could you just wait one French baguette while I pull this up for you? 
Dr. Panargles: Well…it is my bagel sir, so of course I can wait! It’s very near and dear to my bottom. 
Bagel Claim Worker: Spoken like a true bagel boy! Bear with me one morsel… whulp, here it is sir! You can find your lost bagel on toaster number five near sector Sesame Seed. Can I help you with any of your other bagel needs today? 
Dr. Panargles: Well actually, yes... the dreadful prospect of losing my beloved bagel has gotten me thinking about you, my dear soul- I have to ask you a very important question... and I hope I don't come across as presumptuous, what with you being a bagel claim worker and all, but I feel as if I have no other choice, good man- have you ever had a bagel??? 
Bagel Claim Worker: Why, by golly Joe Jove, now that you mention it sir, I have never had a bagel of my own. I am always assisting others with their bagel needs, but I have never allowed myself the joy of having a bagel. If you wouldn’t mind sir… what is it like? 
Dr. Panargles: Beg your pardon? 
Bagel Claim Worker: You know, to have a bagel. What is it like? Can you remember your first bagel? 
Dr. Panargles: Great mother of Jeff! I was just a boy of seven when I had my first bagel. A lovely dame called Jeff flew me to her bagel basket and presented it to me. I took a bite and was addicted for life. Be warned my miniscule bunyon, once you take a bite of your first bagel you will be instantaneously transported into a sea of pancakes. One of the pancakes named Greggor will say to you “eat me or else” and then every other pancake will jump into your mouth and sing of the heavenly delights of their great ancestor David, the original bagel who begat all bountiful baked goodies, including the high immigrants of old, the doughy Davids. One could compare it to being speared in the heart by one thousand sweet buttery dough arrows, with each bite piercing another artery until you pass away into a brisk sour dough bliss. Once you bite a bagel, you will most certainly die. 
Bagel Claim Worker: Goodness grapes! My meemaw had told me the legends of the Doughy Davids, but then daddy would always interrupt her and spattle “Our family doesn’t believe in bagels- we only believe in Cabbage!" He was a grouch, a stump, a drunk, and a murderer. Sir, please tell me. How might I acquire one of these miraculous fluffers that is a bagel? 
Dr. Panargles: There's a magical place on every street corner, mind you...it is called “Paienerrya”. 
Bagel Claim Worker: Paienerrya! So wait, you mean to exclaim that it really does exist? 
Dr. Panargles: It does, my dear chapper, it does. However, you must understand that chomping bagels mustn’t be taken lightly. You might want to consider taking a few days to meditate and empty your pours of all lesser biddles such as that Taco Bell you’ve got there, you nasty glump greaser. 
Bagel Claim Worker: But Taco Bell is all I have! How could I possibly empty my pours of all lesser frumps to be left with nothing, only to hope against hope that I might one day get the slightest chance of slicing my own bagel in half, placing it in the toaster oh so lightly and brightly, and for it to burst forth into my life? It is a great cost sir, I’m not sure if my old brittles are up for the risk. 
Dr. Panargles: Silence! If you but quiet your miserable soul, my scumbag, you will be able to approach mother bread, who graces all with cinnamon crumbles and asiago cheese freely and abundantly. 
Bagel Claim Worker: But, my holy bagel, I have never heard of such a wonderful grace that has been given to me! After I quiet my awful soul, what must I do? 
Dr. Panargles: You must visit “Jeremy the Stink”, give him three gordles, perform 12 hail bagels, and quickly say "PISH POSH AND AWAY WITH YOU STANKY ONE!" Don't worry, he'll know what to do. Soon your unworthy grubby paws will be grasping the morning jewel, and at that point the only thing left to do is to smother it with the blessed paste. 
Bagel Claim Worker: Sir, everything that you have said makes much sense. But please, be tender with me, for I am but a maggot stuck to the bottom of Bobby’s boot and I would hate to upset the blessed smelly one, but- what is the blessed paste? 
Dr. Panargles: The paste is what the lungs are to the heart. A bagel is nothing without its blessed paste. It is the flubbering floundering waterfall of sugarcane goodness that is spread about the bagel like the wheat of the fields. Produced from the mighty cows of Wisconsin, this parroting paste is produced from the cackling cheese curds of the dumb. It comes in many gorts and gordles; honey walnut, plain jane, and strawdairy. 
Bagel Claim Worker: Oh sir, this paste! It's as if I can feel it bubbling up inside my bogles! I will quit tomorrow and begin my life anew as I climb to the apex of mount sourdough- no more scowering about the toasters for others' lost bagels amongst the mess that is the bagel claim! NO MORE! 
Dr. Panargles: Now, let us sing the blessed bagel hymn together:

Mother Bread, who art at Paienerrya, blessed be your bagels,
For there’s nothing like a bagel in the morning
They’re fluffity, they’re puffity, one two three four five
I’d like my bagel toasted, but not too darkly toasted,
There’s nothing like a bagel in the morrrning!

Dr. Panargles: Amen, hallelujah, you are DISMISSED! 

 

Grimmy's Glue

Jailbird runaways and their starving dog Offenbach and their friend Brandenburg, and their pet horse Bach sit on the corner on the regular and flirt with the beautiful county princess Abby Butterbuns, but what they don't know is that Abby is an alien. She's seeking to rob them of their pants because she liked them a lot and their horse in order to turn it into glue, which is the native food of her home planet Grimmy. Fortunately, Bach the horse has gas and kills them all, expect for the dog Offenbach, who begins a meat company.

The Zealous Turnips

A couple of gangsters known only as "The Zealous Turnips" are enjoying the high life as a few onlookers are window shopping, and they realize that the gangsters have stolen their boat. Their muscles are big and their bandanas are bright, one is Eminem and the other is Vanilla Ice. They plan on sailing to Chicago to pick up some hot dogs, one deep dish pizza to go, and the world famous FOUR ringed chicago loose leafed graduate-ruled paper. They are now fugitives, and the angry window shoppers follow them all the way to Fort Knox where they all unite and rob it with the help of the President's cabinet using only pumpkins and filibusters. Reggie Bush applauds them while holding his Heisman in his left arm.

The Opera of Souls (Or, The Return of Hezekiah Jim)

In the world famous "Opera of Souls", evil womanizers climb through the roof and try to steal the poor people's umbrellas and happiness. Fortunately, Hezekiah Jim returned, this time as a Jewish Poolboy, and he is plotting to knock the womanizers off the trapeze with a grenade hidden inside a cheeseburger dangling from the rafters to save the day. To Hezekiah's everlasting suprise, Matt Damon was also in the rafters, trying desperately to make a comeback as a rooftop bellower. "I do believe your shirt is missing" said Matt Damon in his Bourne voice. This made Hezekiah squeemish because he really liked Ocean's Twelve, so he took a bite of his burger and squelched "IMA POOL BOY!" This set off the grenade that was located inside the greasy grizzle, blowing all surrounding souls, womanizers and baristas alike, to bitty bits. 

Hezekiah Jim

The magical jamaican horseman Hezekiah Jim comes to visit the British inhabitants in South Africa who are having a tea party. "Ya mon, mi neim is Hezekiah, and I've come to ruin everyting" said Jimmy Jim Jim to the Brits. Hezekiah very quickly (and quietly) spanks his horse Juniper on the bummer, jacks all cadillacs, and shoots the owner with a 45 magnum. He also pours their tea into their cummerbunds and shanks the bus boy. The constable of the party catches word of Hezekiah's wiles and sends the bobbies down to cut off Jim's dreads, but fortunately Hezekiah's horse Juniper has the magic to fly away to the magical "Garden of Goodness and Hot Women" and anyone's allowed in unless someone has stolen your tea.

Happiness and No Sadness

A flock of angry Indians burned the town of Wegener's to the ground because all the whites stole the Indian's buffaloes and opened up a grand boutique in Wegener's called "Buffalo Wild Thangs." The only whites to escape were a lonely couple named Ralph and Boo Clinkenbeard and their troubled cat Brett. They tried to run by land, but the Indians were jealous of Brett the cat, so they began to chase them. The Clinkenbeards quickly stole a boat and sailed off to the famous foreign candy island of "Happiness and No Sadness Except When the Indians Come to Chase You." They got lost, dived over a waterfall, and passed away. Unfortunately the Indians never got their buffalo revenge because the river delivered the Clinkenbeards promptly to Davie Jones boys locker room.

Gerty

The day the most annoying woman on the earth was dubbed Queen of the World, everyone knew that our sad little waste of time we called life was over. Her name was Gerty and she sucked. After her inauguration speech to the world, no one could stand to hear her awful screechy annoying fat voice. "I'M INTELLIGENT" shrieked Gerty, terribly. It was so bad in fact that people began shooting their TV's and each other just to keep Gerty from talking. Eventually enough TV's were shot that Gerty thought she was being shot, so she had a heart attack and died.

Aquafiddle

Aquafidde couldn't play the fiddle very well because you can't play fiddle in aqueous water. This was until the great leviathon Glen came and once again killed the world. The only real hope people had was Aquafiddle, but he couldn't do anything because he was a pathetic sack. But they did use aquafiddle as bait for Glen the leviathon to come and eat him and get caught by the giant net. Aquafiddle was eaten by Glen. 

Breakfast Time

Once upon a time there lived a lad named Larz. He didn’t know what to do so he took it upon himself to steal every last box of Special K from his local grocer. The authorities didn’t really like that very much so they picked him up, brought him to Roondabooboo cliff and poured him over the edge. Larz did not survive the fall, so he was unfortunately unable to taste the Special K.

C'mon Billy, Let's Rise

"C'mon Billy, let's rise" cried the crier to Billy at intervals. "I don't want anything to do with these shenanagans, I'm just a baker- a baker of breads and five bucks to spare, let me go back!" wailed Billy. "Naww! We got gortles to grundle and ferns to fry, but we gotta rise." shrilled Shrilly the shriller. "I CAN'T I WOULDN'T I SHAN'T!" bellowed Billy as he passed out into oblivion. He dreamed he was floating on a cloud of flour over a field of baguettes and bagels. He rode a baker's tray through gardens and up into the market, and he nearly reached his blessed Petunia when his dream was cut short- "C'mon Billy, let's rise."

The Klumsy Kid

The Klumsy Kid wasn’t a problem for most people until he found a mario brothers growth mushroom and grew to heights of beyond 1,000 feet tall, and began terrorizing the town of Tokyo, Japan. He didn’t mean to hurt anybody, but he was so klumsy he would just trip and fall or sneeze on everybody. To counterattack what the locals believed was an attack, they sent Godzilla to hunt down and kill the clumsy kid, which he did.