July 4th, 2015
The true story of how Ronald Reagan became president and how the bald eagle became America's national floater has been a story locked away in the deepest dusters of the Library of Congress, and was discovered by accident by daddy. While it is being meticulously dusted before being presented to the Senate for christening, I got an exclusive look by pretending to be the representative duster from Dakota.
The story goes something like this- on a misty fall morning, the great bald eagle Travis was soaring over lake freedom on his way to feed his eagle babies some nuts and berries he hunted. "We want don't want stupid berries, we want mozzarella sticks" said Rhonda the eagle. "You ungrateful wench!" sobbed Travis to his eagle babies. He honestly hated every one of his children, but he desired their approval more than he desired even his daily Pepsi, so he flew down 299 miles to the local Applebee's in search of mozzarella sticks.
Today happened to be Karaoke Tuesday at Applebee's, and next up on the docket was a young congressman named Ronald Reagan. He stepped up to the microphone and sang 'My Country Tis of Thee' so piercingly profound and full of American gusto that even Grover Cleveland gave a salute in his grave. Travis the eagle was dumbfounded, and the crowd went wild. They demanded an encore, and by now the majority of our great nation had crammed into Applebee's to partake of the surprising patriotic blessing. Ronald reluctantly graced his hungry crowd with a tasteful rendition of 'You're a Grand Ol' Flag', and by the time he sang the classic line 'you're a flag', the crowd had unanimously decided to make Ronald Reagan the president of the United States. Travis watched in wonder for the next four hours as Ronald Reagan orchestrated thousands of brilliant legislations, fixed the economy, and tore down the Berlin Wall with his bare hands (this will be a news buster for CNN for sure- the fact that Reagan's entire presidency only lasted for four hours and was spent entirely at Applebee's.)
Order of Mozzarella sticks for Travis!" cried the cheese boy, Greggums. Just as Travis was paying for his food, President Reagan walked up to him and said "well golly be, if it isn't an bald eagle! Would you like some biscuits, laddy?" spaketh the president. "That's alright, I just ordered some cheesy delights for my children, but they don't deserve them- I hunted and gathered just like they teach you in social studies, and they still call their daddy a dork. They need to be taught a lesson." complained Travis. "Well if anyone can teach these ingrates a little American respect it's me, bring me to them promptly and swiftly in order that I may smack the hooey out of thum!" said the president. Without a second thought Ronald leaped upon Travis' back and out from Applebee’s they went. At this moment the people below were graced with one histories most patriotic pamperings since Abraham Lincoln ate his post Gettysburg victory Big Mac- they were pampered with the sight of the President on the bald Eagles back soaring into the sunset, set to the tape recorded soundtrack of Lee Greenwood singing “I’m Proud to be an American."
Once the pair reached the nest, the kids were yelping so horribly even Ronald had to hold back a few ripe grizzlers. "WHERE'S OUR MOZZARELLA STICKS YOU SORRY SACK!" one of the babies, Rhotunda, squelched, miserably. "YEAH DAD YOU SUCK!" belched Rhumatoid, the boy in the front left center middle. “Oh no, the cheese sticks!” Travis thought quietly out loud as he delved into one of his famous Tizzie's once he realized he had forgotten to grab the cheese. He didn't know what to do- to not feed his babies could mean mutiny. Out of panic and dread, Travis grabbed Ronald with his sweaty claws and threw him onto his pathetic kin. "This is the presidunt of the unitud states- eat him!" shouted Travis in desperation. Without a second thought the baby eaglettes began to devour our great potentate. "So ends my tenure!" giggled the president as he gulped his last. Travis realized that what he had done was truly worthy of 25 to life, but he didn’t care- because the baby eagles never spoke an ill word to Travis again. This was because Ronald’s remains caused the baby eagles hearts and bellies to be overwhelmed with patriotism and pride for our great nation and for the common man. From that day forward every American knew instinctively that the bald eagle was America’s national floater and supreme tweetums.
So why, you may ask, was this story locked up, and a very good Reagan impersonator lived out the rest of his years until he died a death of natural causes? Probably because Congress didn't have anything better to do that day. But now you know- next time you happen upon an Applebee's, keep your eyes open for Travis the American Eagle- he'll be at the bar, eating mozzarella sticks, humming yankee doodle. And thanks be to daddy for discovering this national treasure, one that will be shared unto all the world for all generations to come on all of the myspaces and xangas of the world, or until at least next Tuesday.