Check out the STORIES section for the latest short story about how an unsuspecting girl named Phamus discovers mayonnaise and ventures to let the world know! Check it out!
CHECK OUT THE PICTURES AND COMICS SECTION!!! During the month of October, my wife Rachel is posting a picture a day to practice drawing and just to have fun. I decided to do it with her, but as you'll find, my pictures are much, MUCH better, and full of more guts and gusto! You'll find them to be inspiring, funny, critical, and overall helpful in your journey. This will also be the preamble to an up and coming COMICS SERIES I'll be starting late fall! So, stay updated in the pictures and comics section with all the daily inktober delights! Here's an example of some of the delights you'll find regularly in the pictures and comics section:
July 4th, 2015
The true story of how Ronald Reagan became president and how the bald eagle became America's national floater has been a story locked away in the deepest dusters of the Library of Congress, and was discovered by accident by daddy. While it is being meticulously dusted before being presented to the Senate for christening, I got an exclusive look by pretending to be the representative duster from Dakota.
The story goes something like this- on a misty fall morning, the great bald eagle Travis was soaring over lake freedom on his way to feed his eagle babies some nuts and berries he hunted. "We want don't want stupid berries, we want mozzarella sticks" said Rhonda the eagle. "You ungrateful wench!" sobbed Travis to his eagle babies. He honestly hated every one of his children, but he desired their approval more than he desired even his daily Pepsi, so he flew down 299 miles to the local Applebee's in search of mozzarella sticks.
Today happened to be Karaoke Tuesday at Applebee's, and next up on the docket was a young congressman named Ronald Reagan. He stepped up to the microphone and sang 'My Country Tis of Thee' so piercingly profound and full of American gusto that even Grover Cleveland gave a salute in his grave. Travis the eagle was dumbfounded, and the crowd went wild. They demanded an encore, and by now the majority of our great nation had crammed into Applebee's to partake of the surprising patriotic blessing. Ronald reluctantly graced his hungry crowd with a tasteful rendition of 'You're a Grand Ol' Flag', and by the time he sang the classic line 'you're a flag', the crowd had unanimously decided to make Ronald Reagan the president of the United States. Travis watched in wonder for the next four hours as Ronald Reagan orchestrated thousands of brilliant legislations, fixed the economy, and tore down the Berlin Wall with his bare hands (this will be a news buster for CNN for sure- the fact that Reagan's entire presidency only lasted for four hours and was spent entirely at Applebee's.)
Order of Mozzarella sticks for Travis!" cried the cheese boy, Greggums. Just as Travis was paying for his food, President Reagan walked up to him and said "well golly be, if it isn't an bald eagle! Would you like some biscuits, laddy?" spaketh the president. "That's alright, I just ordered some cheesy delights for my children, but they don't deserve them- I hunted and gathered just like they teach you in social studies, and they still call their daddy a dork. They need to be taught a lesson." complained Travis. "Well if anyone can teach these ingrates a little American respect it's me, bring me to them promptly and swiftly in order that I may smack the hooey out of thum!" said the president. Without a second thought Ronald leaped upon Travis' back and out from Applebee’s they went. At this moment the people below were graced with one histories most patriotic pamperings since Abraham Lincoln ate his post Gettysburg victory Big Mac- they were pampered with the sight of the President on the bald Eagles back soaring into the sunset, set to the tape recorded soundtrack of Lee Greenwood singing “I’m Proud to be an American."
Once the pair reached the nest, the kids were yelping so horribly even Ronald had to hold back a few ripe grizzlers. "WHERE'S OUR MOZZARELLA STICKS YOU SORRY SACK!" one of the babies, Rhotunda, squelched, miserably. "YEAH DAD YOU SUCK!" belched Rhumatoid, the boy in the front left center middle. “Oh no, the cheese sticks!” Travis thought quietly out loud as he delved into one of his famous Tizzie's once he realized he had forgotten to grab the cheese. He didn't know what to do- to not feed his babies could mean mutiny. Out of panic and dread, Travis grabbed Ronald with his sweaty claws and threw him onto his pathetic kin. "This is the presidunt of the unitud states- eat him!" shouted Travis in desperation. Without a second thought the baby eaglettes began to devour our great potentate. "So ends my tenure!" giggled the president as he gulped his last. Travis realized that what he had done was truly worthy of 25 to life, but he didn’t care- because the baby eagles never spoke an ill word to Travis again. This was because Ronald’s remains caused the baby eagles hearts and bellies to be overwhelmed with patriotism and pride for our great nation and for the common man. From that day forward every American knew instinctively that the bald eagle was America’s national floater and supreme tweetums.
So why, you may ask, was this story locked up, and a very good Reagan impersonator lived out the rest of his years until he died a death of natural causes? Probably because Congress didn't have anything better to do that day. But now you know- next time you happen upon an Applebee's, keep your eyes open for Travis the American Eagle- he'll be at the bar, eating mozzarella sticks, humming yankee doodle. And thanks be to daddy for discovering this national treasure, one that will be shared unto all the world for all generations to come on all of the myspaces and xangas of the world, or until at least next Tuesday.
This latest video represents my message to the world, my gift to you!!! My hope is that you will accept this blessing with joy and grace and allow it to ring throughout your ears throughout the whole of the day, but you will not receive the blessing unless you watch the WHOLE VIDEO LOL. Enjoy and HAVE A NICE DAY!!!
Have You Ever Had a Bagel?
This is a skit written by JD Loftis and Brett Alan Colyer- it chronicles the journey of a man who must make his peace with THE most important question of our generation...
Bagel Claim Worker: Hello sir, how may I serve you? Dr. Panargles: Ummm yes sir, I’ve seemed to have lost my bagel. Bagel Claim Worker: Well sir this is bagel claim so you’re in good hands. Tell me, what flight did you majestically soar through the air on? Dr. Panargles: Cinnamon Crunch flight 325 on a direct route to Honey Walnut Cream Cheese. Bagel Claim Worker: Okie Donkey! Let me check our Cinnamon Crunch flight directory. Could you just wait one French baguette while I pull this up for you? Dr. Panargles: Well…it is my bagel sir, so of course I can wait! It’s very near and dear to my bottom. Bagel Claim Worker: Spoken like a true bagel boy! Bear with me one morsel… whulp, here it is sir! You can find your lost bagel on toaster number five near sector Sesame Seed. Can I help you with any of your other bagel needs today? Dr. Panargles: Well actually, yes... the dreadful prospect of losing my beloved bagel has gotten me thinking about you, my dear soul- I have to ask you a very important question... and I hope I don't come across as presumptuous, what with you being a bagel claim worker and all, but I feel as if I have no other choice, good man- have you ever had a bagel??? Bagel Claim Worker: Why, by golly Joe Jove, now that you mention it sir, I have never had a bagel of my own. I am always assisting others with their bagel needs, but I have never allowed myself the joy of having a bagel. If you wouldn’t mind sir… what is it like? Dr. Panargles: Beg your pardon? Bagel Claim Worker: You know, to have a bagel. What is it like? Can you remember your first bagel? Dr. Panargles: Great mother of Jeff! I was just a boy of seven when I had my first bagel. A lovely dame called Jeff flew me to her bagel basket and presented it to me. I took a bite and was addicted for life. Be warned my miniscule bunyon, once you take a bite of your first bagel you will be instantaneously transported into a sea of pancakes. One of the pancakes named Greggor will say to you “eat me or else” and then every other pancake will jump into your mouth and sing of the heavenly delights of their great ancestor David, the original bagel who begat all bountiful baked goodies, including the high immigrants of old, the doughy Davids. One could compare it to being speared in the heart by one thousand sweet buttery dough arrows, with each bite piercing another artery until you pass away into a brisk sour dough bliss. Once you bite a bagel, you will most certainly die. Bagel Claim Worker: Goodness grapes! My meemaw had told me the legends of the Doughy Davids, but then daddy would always interrupt her and spattle “Our family doesn’t believe in bagels- we only believe in Cabbage!" He was a grouch, a stump, a drunk, and a murderer. Sir, please tell me. How might I acquire one of these miraculous fluffers that is a bagel? Dr. Panargles: There's a magical place on every street corner, mind you...it is called “Paienerrya”. Bagel Claim Worker: Paienerrya! So wait, you mean to exclaim that it really does exist? Dr. Panargles: It does, my dear chapper, it does. However, you must understand that chomping bagels mustn’t be taken lightly. You might want to consider taking a few days to meditate and empty your pours of all lesser biddles such as that Taco Bell you’ve got there, you nasty glump greaser. Bagel Claim Worker: But Taco Bell is all I have! How could I possibly empty my pours of all lesser frumps to be left with nothing, only to hope against hope that I might one day get the slightest chance of slicing my own bagel in half, placing it in the toaster oh so lightly and brightly, and for it to burst forth into my life? It is a great cost sir, I’m not sure if my old brittles are up for the risk. Dr. Panargles: Silence! If you but quiet your miserable soul, my scumbag, you will be able to approach mother bread, who graces all with cinnamon crumbles and asiago cheese freely and abundantly. Bagel Claim Worker: But, my holy bagel, I have never heard of such a wonderful grace that has been given to me! After I quiet my awful soul, what must I do? Dr. Panargles: You must visit “Jeremy the Stink”, give him three gordles, perform 12 hail bagels, and quickly say "PISH POSH AND AWAY WITH YOU STANKY ONE!" Don't worry, he'll know what to do. Soon your unworthy grubby paws will be grasping the morning jewel, and at that point the only thing left to do is to smother it with the blessed paste. Bagel Claim Worker: Sir, everything that you have said makes much sense. But please, be tender with me, for I am but a maggot stuck to the bottom of Bobby’s boot and I would hate to upset the blessed smelly one, but- what is the blessed paste? Dr. Panargles: The paste is what the lungs are to the heart. A bagel is nothing without its blessed paste. It is the flubbering floundering waterfall of sugarcane goodness that is spread about the bagel like the wheat of the fields. Produced from the mighty cows of Wisconsin, this parroting paste is produced from the cackling cheese curds of the dumb. It comes in many gorts and gordles; honey walnut, plain jane, and strawdairy. Bagel Claim Worker: Oh sir, this paste! It's as if I can feel it bubbling up inside my bogles! I will quit tomorrow and begin my life anew as I climb to the apex of mount sourdough- no more scowering about the toasters for others' lost bagels amongst the mess that is the bagel claim! NO MORE! Dr. Panargles: Now, let us sing the blessed bagel hymn together: Mother Bread, who art at Paienerrya, blessed be your bagels, For there’s nothing like a bagel in the morning They’re fluffity, they’re puffity, one two three four five I’d like my bagel toasted, but not too darkly toasted, There’s nothing like a bagel in the morrrning! Dr. Panargles: Amen, hallelujah, you are DISMISSED!
This new video features the great work of a local up and coming magician named Brett. He's truly shaping up to be a master, he pulled a quick one on me that's for sure!!!
A wonderful, masterful work featuring my windshield wipers on a very nice dry day, Brett, and a special guest appearance. It's a period piece I've been working on for a few years now, an ode, really.... to all of the windshield wipers of the world who are neglected on sunny days and droughts. I think all of the creditors and accounts, cashiers and hallmark boys alike will agree that this is really something, I think we're really onto something boys.
At my work (welcome to work...) sometimes it's easy to feel all cooped up in the telephone prison as we're chained to the desk by the phone chord. A highlight of the job is that they pay us to be able to take a 15 minute WELLNESS WALK! So after being all wound up from the pressure of saving lives one phone call at a time, Brett and I decided to get to work and get all our money's worth!